A couple weeks ago my husband and I were having one of our recurring discussions about goals and career possibilities. We recently decided to close our family business and reassess our options. Currently, my husband is the sole bread-winner, while also taking some college courses (he’s seriously the hardest worker I’ve ever known) and I’m a stay-at-home mom who is trying to decide what’s next for her. During our discussion, my husband asked me “What motivates you? What are your aspirations in life?” At first, I was defensive. I projected my own feelings of worthlessness onto him. Of course I have aspirations! Of course I want more from my life! But then I thought about it and came up COMPLETELY BLANK! I was stumped. I couldn't think of a single thing that motivates me other than being a mother. How could I not answer this simple question? This set off a flurry... no an avalanche, of inner dialogue!
At first I berated myself for being lazy, worthless, and unmotivated, but then I asked myself how did I get here? I tried to think of the old me, before I left my childhood religion, or even before I became a mother. What motivated the old me? What were her aspirations? To preface this, I should tell you that I was raised as a Jehovah's Witness. I left the church in 2015, shortly after I had my son. Being a part of such a high-control religion has lasting impact on a person, as you shall see.
Looking back on my childhood, I tried to remember what were my first dream jobs. I know at some point I (like most kids) wanted to be a teacher or a doctor, but Jehovah's witnesses are strongly discouraged from pursuing higher education, so that was a no go! The more I think about it, the more I realized how critical my parents were. Is this a JW thing, or was it just my parents? Whenever I would tell my parents about my hopes and dreams, they'd shoot them down. If I told them about a career I was interested in, I was berated and told that I could never achieve such things. I thought I might like to be a nurse or dental hygienist, but even those options would require too much additional education.In High School, I was great at Geometry and had a love for architectural design, so my HS counselor strongly encouraged me to pursue a career in architecture, and she even secured me a scholarship that my parents made me turn down. I loved reading and got excellent grades in Writing and Composition, so I thought I would love to be an author. My parents certainly wouldn't approve of me writing worldly (non Jehovah's Witness) books, and only men can be writers for Watchtower, so that too was shot down. I knew that the only way to gain my parents' approval was to pursue spiritual goals, but even then, I had to be careful not to aim too high. I remember at one point, I proudly announced that I wanted to be a Missionary! I thought nothing would make my parents prouder. Instead I was berated. "You’re too afraid of creepy crawly things, you’d never survive in a foreign country! Besides, you have to be married to be a missionary and you’ll never be able to attract such a high quality brother!"
I also always wanted to be a mom, but The Watchtower urged us not to have children because Armageddon was always just around the corner, we were encouraged to focus all of our energy on the preaching work to save as many as possible. This sentiment carried through even up to the point when, much later, I finally got pregnant. I was ecstatic, but a very close friend of mine told me I was being "selfish and careless" to bring a child into such a wicked dangerous world.
By the time I graduated High School, my self worth and the very core of my identity were just completely eroded away. Like all good Jehovah's Witnesses, it was time to conform. I settled on securing a minimum wage part time job so I could support myself as a pioneer (full-time preacher), just until I could find a husband to support me. As a JW woman, that was all I was good for anyway, right?
The judgement of my parents and everyone else in the church didn't end when I became an adult though. No matter what I did, it was never enough. Even as an adult, I would approach my family with excitement to tell them about a project I was considering and they would list every reason why I could never make it work. Even when I did all my research and came up with what I thought was a good solid plan, they would still shoot it down! No wonder I’m so lost, adrift in a sea of possibilities but unable to grasp on to a buoy.
All of these thoughts have been going through my mind like some sort of manic inner dialogue for weeks, I haven't been able to silence the thoughts even to sleep at night. Finally, at my wits end, I was exhausted and frustrated and venting to my husband. I told him about all these thoughts racing through my mind and said that maybe by writing them down, I could give the thoughts a voice and get a little therapeutic relief. I’ve been wanting to write a memoir for a while, but never knew where to start. I told him that maybe I should just start writing my thoughts down or maybe even start a blog. Then someday I might decide to compile everything into my memoirs. My husband thought this was a great idea, because unlike my parents, he is supportive and believes in me!
Then we revisited the discussion about what type of career I might like to pursue and my husband suggested that I take this personality quiz that he had learned about in his Psychology class:
I was amazed by how accurate the results were!
My personality type is a Turbulent Mediator (INFP-T)
And right there on the 1st page of my results, in big bold letters it said:
“We Know What We Are, but Know Not What We May Be”
The results went on to say:
"It is perhaps more challenging for Mediators to find a satisfying career than any other type.
Too many Mediators drift in frustration, ultimately succumbing to the necessities of day-to-day life in a job that wasn’t meant for them. But it turns out that, despite such exacting demands, modern economics places a premium on the very keys to Mediators’ challenges: their creativity, independence, and need for meaningful relationships with individuals who need their help.
First and foremost is seemingly every Mediators’ dream growing up – to become an author. While a novel is a classic choice, it is rarely an accessible one, and there are many viable options for freedom-loving Mediators. The internet brings to the world the opportunities of blogging and freelance work – as organizations expand their reach beyond their native tongues, they will come to depend on Mediator personality types, with their gift for language and written expression, to take their rougher translations and stale pitches and inject them with a sense of beauty and poetry. Smaller organizations will need more than ever to express with elegance the value they bring to local communities."
Seriously, it was as if the personality test had been spying on our previous conversation!
But sure enough, there it was, I should be a writer! Surely, "The Great American Novel" may allude me, and maybe I'll never make a living at it, but at the very least, I can give voice to my inner dialogue. And perhaps you will find a kindred spirit in that voice.
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